Am I Selfish?

I have to say, after spending the weekend with my boyfriends daughter, she has made me realize that I will not be having kids any time soon!!! Besides dealing with her terrible behavior, I have come to the conclusion that I am just not ready to spend all my money and time on a child… . I may sound selfish and her is the reason why…

My boyfriend has a one year old daughter name Keyanni (Kiki). Her mother and him shares custody of her. The way things are arranged is we have her every other week. She is a lovely child who I adore dearly… I love her laugh and her smart ways… I love the way she loves me back and the fun we have together.

But for some reason this week was extremely  hard and difficult. I work full time and go to school full time and her father is currently on disability but is a full time  student.. So when I’m at work he is at home with the baby. I only have one class in the school the rest of my classes are online. So when I do not have class, I come home from working an 8 hour shift and driving 1 hour each way and then we switch off. I take the baby and he goes to school. He has to be to school at 6:00pm which means he has to leave the house at 5:30. I work in jersey and get off at 4:30 so at this point I am rushing home. When I get home I am dealing with an extremely active one  year old, I am cleaning up, trying to keep up with my school work and making sure dinner is done for my when my needy boyfriend comes home.BOY DO I FEEL LIKE A FULL TIME MOM!!!! And every other week this is our routine.

I barely have time to take care of myself.. Sometimes I go days without taking a shower because I am so busy dealing with everything else..  Yesterday, I locked myself in the bathroom because it was the only peace and quite I could get. We went shopping this weekend (in which I always spend all my money on her and never get myself anything) and I could barley shop. When she wasn’t knocking all the clothes on the floor, she was running around the store and when she wasn’t running around the store or knocking the clothes on the floor she was crying for absolutely no reason!!!!!! I know people were looking at me like ” that child is bad’ lol.. And  I swear I apologized to the sales associates a million times for the mess they had to clean up… I just felt so bad.

So I have learned that having a child is a 24 hour 7 days a week job. You have to give your all and your everything to your child. As one day I would love to give all of this to a child… especially since I know I would make a good mother… But right now is just not my time. I like to sleep in late, spend my money on myself and be able to shop in peace.. lol.. I like to not have to come home straight after work and cook and take care of a child.

All jokes aside.. I love kiki to death… but being a parent is a very serious job. It is not about the materialist things you can provide.. but more about loving your child unconditionally.. And right now is just not my time to have kids..

So on that note… Being able to return her to her mother is like a breath of fresh air!!! lol


4 Comments Add yours

  1. mpb1031 says:

    I dont think you are selfish at all! If anything, I think you have a lot on your plate and your being the best possible girlfriend you can be. The challenges you are describing are typical. Im a parent and i understand your frustrations completely. Child rearing is extremely rewarding, but with that comes great sacrifice and selfless devotion. You’re in school right now and trying to accomplish personal goals. If you ask me, having a child when not ready to give up many things like shopping and sleeping is more selfish!

    1. zymia says:

      Hi mpb1031
      yes, and I think that was the point I was trying to make. besides being selfish it is extremely hard to rise a child in new york city right now. I think I’m going to wait until I am ready.

  2. liachristilautomo says:

    Hello Zymia,

    I am not a mother here (though i used to babysit my nephew once) but I have to agree with you. being a mom is a full time job (like it or not some moms out there tried to hide it) and requires our energy 24/7. and you are definitely not selfish by saying that you don’t want to have kids anytime soon. nowadays we really have to think twice especially if we have school, work, and other type of activities. if i were you i’d wait until i finish my degree, get decent job, then probably discuss w/ bf about the possibility of having kids later on.

    1. zymia says:

      Hi Liachristilautomo,

      Your so right!! And that’s what I am going to do. Continue to better myself and in due time everything else will come along

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